I’ve always suffered from anxiety. When I was four years old and starting primary school, I hid in the playhouse of the classroom with my best friend because the world was too scary for me. My mum even had to come and sit in some of the classes as I would get that scared I would sit and cry for hours.
Anxiety is something that I’ve been fortunate enough to come to terms with as I’ve grown older. I’ve always known it’s there and it raises its ugly head more often than I would like it to, but I’ve prided myself in not needing medication to control it… which is a very damaging view to have and I really do not recommend pushing through the bad times. It’s ultimately led me to feel like I do right now – experiencing more and more panic ataacks and just worsening my mental health.
You Are Allowed to Feel Vulnerable
Part of the reason I didn’t want to go on medication in the first place was that I felt wounded; I felt as though I was failing if I submitted to synthetic drugs and that I was clearly able to carry on, albeit a little more hesitantly than other people.
What I should have realised is that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. Don’t like people dressed up in character costumes? No sweat, you don’t have to like it. Don’t like heights? That’s fine, no one can force you to do things you don’t want to do. Being vulnerable is part of being a human – and it’s okay.
I wish I had realised this earlier. Having a narrow mindset has ultimately led my mental health to decline, along with various other life stuff. I am working on being okay with being vulnerable, and I already feel less like I’m a failure, but I’m definitely not even a quarter of the way there; I’ve got a long battle ahead.
Find People to Talk To
I hate talking to people. I really dislike how manipulative and two-faced some people can be, and I have varying trust issues which means that if I trust you, you must be extremely special.
In the same way, I didn’t really talk about my anxiety. There were a few people I’ve talked to about it over the years, but as of late, I’ve been finding it better to cope with my feelings by expressing them to friends. I have also been recently diagnosed with depression, and I was having a very hard time coming to terms with that on top of the anxiety I already felt. Talking to friends who take the time to ask how I am (you know who you are) and those who have also dealt with similar feelings has just been so enlightening. I’ve gone from staying in bed for four whole days in a row with absolutely zero motivation to do anything other than watch Netflix and cry about a month ago, to actually having the courage to meet my friends (who haven’t done anything to make me feel uneasy…I just didn’t want to be around humans) and having days which aren’t as dark and dismal.
I wanted to put a post like this together as I realised I just kind of up and left for a few months on this blog. I honestly didn’t feel like I could contribute anything worthwhile, and there’s no point in posting for posting’s sake. I will be back blogging on a more regular basis once my medication has levelled out. I still feel very crappy, but I have a fair few surprises coming up in the next few weeks which I want to document.
Thank you for all sticking with me through this.